So the girls have already had their turn, now it’s time for the boys. Today our fantastic Rebelle Haze will detail some myths about gay men.
Before we begin though I feel it is important to point out that there are plenty of Gay men who do fit into these categories and some love fitting into these categories and that is totally cool. Equally there are plenty of Gay men that don’t and however you choose to live your life and express your self, is fabulous in my eyes. However these are myths that are perpetuated about all Gay men, as if you were presented with a list of “Gay thing to do” on the day you came out. Let us begin.
- All Gay men LOVE anal sex! Let’s be honest here, when the majority of people think of Gay sex they will assume that anal sex is a given. This is not the case, some gay couples will engage in anal sex and some will avoid it like the plague. Pretty much the same goes for any couple engaging in any sex act, some will love it, some not so much. Similar to the idea that there has to be a “man” in lesbian relationships, there does not have to be a “giver” and a “taker” in gay relationships. Even if there is, it really comes under the umbrella of stuff that is just not your business. Sure we are all interested in what happens in others bedrooms but that does not give us an automatic entitlement to know what it is that someone is doing even if they might be doing it differently.
- Gay men are promiscuous. While we are talking sex let’s be clear, there is nothing wrong with sleeping with as many people as you want (just pretty please be safe!) The assumption that gay men are promiscuous stems from sexist notions of what it means to be a man. I mean as a man you want all the sex you can have all the time, right? It might be the case for some men but not all of them and promiscuity is certainly not a “gay only” trait.
- Gay men’s relationships never last long. Another version of this myth is that gay men don’t have “real” committed relationships. This myth is damaging and hurtful. It seems to suggest that gay men are controlled by what is between their legs and certainly couldn’t possibly commit to one single man where there are all these other men out there that they could be f**king. The level of commitment in a relationship is as “real” as the people involved in the relationship make it. The commitment involved in “open” relationships is no less real than the commitment involved in “closed” relationships–it’s just different types of commitment. And, of course, all of this is true across the spectrum of relationships and is not specific to gay men.
- Gay men “recruit” young folk. Oh yes, nothing quite brings joy to “The Gays” quite like an old fashioned recruitment. They hit the streets in their droves with glitter covered registration packs and like the pied piper round- up groups of young folk to the beat of Lady Gaga’s latest album. Nobody is recruiting anybody!! Sexuality is a little bit more complicated than that. If Gay men were that good at convincing people to “turn”, their skills would have been put to much better use by now.
- All Gay men are effeminate. Sure, some Queens walk with a bit more swish as they strut into a room. But is this an indicator of sexual orientation? Not necessarily. Just like everyone else, gay men exist on a continuum of masculine and feminine traits. Some gay men are what our society considers more feminine, while others are more masculine. There are also effeminate straight men.This is typical of confusing gender with sexuality. Gender (how people present as masculine, feminine, genderqueer, etc.) is related to sexuality (who people are or are not attracted to), but one does not determine the other.
Stay tuned for my next blog!!
In this article, I aim to dispel the biggest bisexual misconceptions and stereotypes, shed light on some new ones, and help to document a sexual identity that is often shrugged off as a “phase”.
- Bisexuals are sluts. First off what’s wrong with having as much sex as you want to, provided you are safe of course. Just because bisexuals technically have more options for sexual partners doesn’t mean they are more promiscuous. Naturally, there are bisexuals who are non-monogamous, and who want to sow their oats, but the same could be said for every sexual orientation. Perhaps the truer statement is we all have the potential to be slutty, regardless of which way we swing.
- Bisexual women only do it to turn straight guys on. We call these ladies beersexuals, and yes, they do exist, but not usually outside of college campuses or Nightclubs. There are also, of course, the Celebrity make-outs of the world, you know the ones, Katy Perry pulled the same stunt with her “I Kissed A Girl” song, which is so tame it’s downright laughable. Lyrics paraphrased: “I kissed a girl, but I was drunk! And I have a boyfriend! And it’s human nature, but I’m still really rebellious!” Barring celebrity bisexuals, I can assure you that most bisexual chicks are highly annoyed by leering dudes who catcall, whistle, or are generally a nuisance when they are courting another lady.
- Bisexuals are indecisive or confused. Derogatory statements like the above are all too common to a bisexual’s ears. And yes, it comes from both the gay and straight communities! People sometimes think bisexuals are either cowardly or are taking advantage of straight privilege. However, being attracted to more than one gender is about as likely to make you “indecisive” as watching a lot of musical theatre is likely to turn you gay. Also, isn’t it odd that it’s always the gays and straights who are confused about bisexuality, and not bisexuals themselves?
- Bisexuality is a cop-out or a phase. It’s always scary to come out of the closet for the first time but coming out as bisexual is essentially declaring that you don’t have a preference. It’s a revolving closet, so it’s somewhat understandable that people tend to view bisexuality as a stepping stone to a more “valid” sexual identity. But this rationale is just another way for people try to devalue bisexuality as an identity, the same tactic used to devalue homosexuality, or being transgender, etc. A lot of thought, turmoil and struggle goes into the decision to come out, and to dismiss it so readily is deliberately insulting.
- Everybody is bisexual. They are? Why the heck am I single. This one isn’t even close. This misconception started with Freud was bolstered by Kinsey. However, there are a lot more people acting on bisexual desires than there are who identify as such. While not everyone is bisexual, here’s a small smattering of bi celebs who are commonly mistaken or purposely misconstrued as card-carrying homos and heteros: Sappho (yes, the Greek poster-dyke), Kurt Cobain, James Dean, Ani DiFranco, Walt Whitman, Anais Nin, Frida Kahlo, Eleanor Roosevelt, Alexander the Great, Tchaikovsky, Michael Stipe, Lord Byron, Emily Dickinson, Andy Dick, Herman Melville, Eve Ensler, Judy Garland, Georgia O’Keeffe (who was Frida’s lover for a time), Marlon Brando, Cary Grant, Billie Holiday, Angelina Jolie, Janis Joplin, David Bowie, Jack Kerouac, Kristanna Loken (fromTerminator 3 and the one who burned Shane’s house down in Season 4 of The L Word), Madonna, Elton John, Amanda Palmer (from the Dresden Dolls), Cole Porter, Anthony Rapp ( Rent), Virginia Woolf, Patti Smith, Mick Jagger and on and on.
- Bisexuals can never be happy in a monogamous relationship. Let the record show that bisexuals are just as likely to fail at monogamy as the rest of you! According to Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth, statistics show that 40 percent of women and 60 percent of men have affairs at least once in their marriages. Since these people aren’t always married to each other, that means about 80 percent of all marriages are “touched” by adultery. But being bisexual doesn’t make you any more likely to cheat than being straight or gay does. Nor does it mean that bisexuals are destined to be miserable without a variety of genitalia at their disposal. Just as in other sexual relationships, being partnered with one person doesn’t suddenly negate your attraction to other people. The same goes for bisexuals in monogamous relationships.
- Bisexuals love threesomes! This is one that’s both really irritating and understandable at the same time. Sure, who doesn’t want to have their cake and eat a girl too from time to time? But the culturally pervasive hetero dude fantasy of the threesome-as-Holy-Grail has turned a delightful, occasional sexytime experience into an annoying bombardment of cold-call propositions, usually from strangers or drunks. There was a time last year when every week, I would get a threesome proposition online from (often) the dude-half of a straight couple asking if I would like to screw them. Rarely did these propositions even contain a perfunctory “Hello, you look nice in pinstripes” or any other kind of humanizing email chatter. Instead, bisexuals are thought of as the fast food of sexual experience, always ready and available to help you with your cravings at the drop of an un-proofread email. Also, while swinging and orgy parties do seem to be on the rise (there are roughly 3,000 clubs worldwide) preference for group sex will always be in the minority. Remember that the next time you try to slur your way into a bisexual’s pants at the pub.
Here at Canoodle we pride ourselves on being inclusive. We believe that being happy and fulfilled is everybody’s right if that is what they choose. This means that we are inclusive to the LGBT community. This inclusivity brings with it a whole list of terms which you may or may not have heard before. Here at Canoodle we want to make you smile but we love to share new things with you too.
To the best of my knowledge and education the abbreviation as it stands is: LGBTQQIAAP
This stands for:
L: Lesbian. Women who are attracted to women.
G: Gay. Men who are attracted to men.
B: Bisexual. People attracted to both sexes.
T: Transgender or Trans. Someone who’s gender identity* differs from the one they were born into. They may identify as male or female or maybe neither label fits them. Someone who has changed their gender may call themselves Transsexual. This can include MTF- Male to Female and FTM- Female to male. In terms of Pronouns and Possessive Pronouns- Him, Her, His, Hers etc. Your best bet is to ask the individual which pronouns they prefer.
Q: Queer. People who don’t want to define themselves by their sex acts but do want to lay claim to being different, eccentric, and fabulous. I’m sure you have also heard this term used in a derogatory way- it is still a term to be cautions of. Queer can still be highly offensive, depending on usage.
Q: Questioning. Are people who are still working out who they are attracted to.
I: Intersex. People who are born into bodies that are not clearly only, male or only female. This includes people with ambiguous genitalia which can include parts of female and or male genitalia.
A: Asexual. People who just aren’t that into sex with anybody.
A: Allies. Straight (Heterosexual) people who support the non-straight community.
P: Pansexual. People who are attracted to others based on individual personality rather than gender.
As well as the acronym there are a number of terms associated with the LGBTQQIAP community:
*Gender Identity: An individual’s understanding of themselves as male, female and/ or transgender
Gender Expression: How people show their gender, through their dress, hair, voice, mannerisms etc.
Coming Out: Understanding yourself and telling other people that you are LGBTQQIAP
Heterosexism: The assumption that everyone is straight and that heterosexuality is superior to other sexual orientations.
Homophobia: Prejudice or discrimination against LGBT people- this term is also used to include Bi-phobia : Discrimination against bisexual people and Transphobia: Discrimination against trans people.
The Rainbow and Rainbow Flag: The rainbow has represented LGBT people since 1978. It symbolises diversity and inclusion within LGBT communities and LGBT Pride. The rainbow flag includes 6 colours: red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple.
Pride: The annual celebration of LGBT communities held around the world. In Ireland most pride events are held during the summer and often include a parade with people dressed up in colourful costumes and lots of rainbow flags.
So there you have it, a beginner’s basic guide to some LGBT words. Over the coming weeks we will discuss more LGBT related terms and topics. If there is anything in particular you would like discussed or clarified please feel free to get in touch.
Rebelle Haze is a highly educated and trained professional. To find out more about Rebelle’s services, you can visit her website here.